Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
