hotel room ftw
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
