I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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