Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
