I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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