just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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