12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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