I wanna passion pit in your ass
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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