Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
