If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
