I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
