Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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