So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
