so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
love makes seman taste better
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
