I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
