So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
