Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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