This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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