No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
