Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
