I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
