wat bout pragnant strippers??
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
