He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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