...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
