I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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