Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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