you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
