Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
