you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
