Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
