its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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