my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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