So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Princesses don't give blow jobs
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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