The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
