Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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