I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
