Already got asked if we're dating
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
