I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
