Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
