Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Come on in and take your pants off
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