Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
