It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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