Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
