I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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