God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
as a side note pls kill me
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