he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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