i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
