I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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