Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
