if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
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