you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
