Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
