I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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