So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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