"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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