omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
