I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
