She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
