just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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