Your tits are I can't wait for
I met the friendliest cop last night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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