But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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