My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
