Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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