i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
