If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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