I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
