Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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